Weather. Or Not.

A hitter in the game of baseball can fail seven out of every ten opportunities yet he is considered a huge success. Corporate executives can drive their firms to the brink of financial ruin yet still reap extravagant salaries and benefits. Stock brokers get a commission whether they make money for a client or lose it. Another group who get paid generous salaries for being habitually wrong is television weather anchors.
Be advised, television weather anchors and meteorologists are not one in the same. Meteorologists are people of science, weather anchors are talking heads with microphones in their ears. Some meteorologists feed their carefully scrutinized and disseminated information to weather anchors, and through the magic of television, smiling they bring to us the forecast via the airwaves. Meteorologists often report the weather. Television figures meteorologists bring credibility to the station and the weather news that warrants reporting. Lately, weather anchors just bring big boobs and perky voices. The “attractive weather anchor” is a ploy to hold our attention through something as mundane as the weather so we won’t change the channel to some legitimate weather broadcast. The question is, is any aired weather forecast legitimate?
As a child in New Jersey, I remember hanging on every word uttered by meteorologist/weatherman Tex Antoine, particularly in the winter. What kid hasn’t watched the weather in the hope that the storm being tracked by the trusted weather people would dump at least enough snow to cause the schools to close; only to be bitterly disappointed in the outcome?
Imagine, on Monday you glue yourself to the television, fixing your eye on the intricate weather map that showed an enormous capital “C” making its way down from Canada. By the time you were seven, you knew that the big “L” over the Great Lakes meant moisture, and the “H” over Oklahoma meant sunny skies. In our minds eye we could visualize the “L” colliding with the “C” in western Pennsylvania, precipitating frozen precipitation. We hoped against hope that the “C” would push through to the coast, and the “L” wouldn’t weaken, giving us a blanket of snow large enough to piss off our parents.
Heading off to bed, plans of sledding and snowball fights were already in their preliminary stages. It was very difficult indeed to sleep knowing, if the weather people were correct, that you didn’t have to get up the next morning; only to find upon awakening, that Tex Antoine was full of shit. Plans immediately went into motion as how to get to New York to spike his insulin injection with something lethal. I mention this because it was reported that was the reason Tex often appeared intoxicated on air; he was a diabetic. It was also reported later he drank too much. However, I didn’t realize that diabetes caused profane humor. Long before Indiana basketball coach Bobby Knight uttered the infamous phrase “If rape is inevitable, lay back and enjoy it,” Tex Antoine lost his job over using the same quip as a segue after Roger Grimsby just finished reporting on a rape. Sadly, Tex’s demise would have to wait; there was a bus to catch.
Discussions about the weather were not reserved for the elderly, who often seemed overly preoccupied with the topic. Even as youngsters, the talk on the bus centered on the previous evening’s weather misinformation. Not much has changed in forty-five years. Those who give us the weather on the evening news are commonly full of shit.
In Florida, it is a lot more difficult to be wrong over and over, yet turn on any station, and they all subscribe to the same bogus forecast. After June 1, on any given day, the weather Kreskins look into their crystals balls, and spew out the same regurgitated tripe, “Hot sun, with a possible chance of passing showers or thunderstorms, highs in the low nineties.” What the hell does “possible chance” mean anyway? Isn’t that the same thing? Can’t they just say “it’s going to be hot, and it might rain,” and be done with it? Besides, as long as I’ve lived in Florida, during the summer months, every afternoon around four o’clock, you could expect a shower of varying degree. Yet, men and women make a substantial living telling viewers the same weather forecast day in and day out. Isn’t that some form of insanity, repeating the same thing over and over expecting different results? This year is different. The weather folk have started in early with monotonous forecasting.
For the past month, weather anchors and meteorologists alike have fed us the same crap of “possible chance of passing showers,” and I haven’t seen a one. Sure, my car has shown the filthy evidence of a facsimile of raindrops. But, there hasn’t been any discernable “rain” for quite some time. Still, the talking weather heads continue to stand by their patented South Florida seasonable forecast and get paid for it. Don’t you think that they should be held accountable in some way shape or form for their lack of accuracy? Millions of dollars are spent on meteorological equipment, and still tornadoes and hurricanes can’t be pinpointed with any degree of certainty.
Each of the past three years we’ve been warned with impending dread of the magnitude of the upcoming hurricane season which runs from June 1, to November 1. Thankfully, none of the “experts” prognostications have come to fruition. Every time some sort of weather activity occurs off the coast of West Africa, weather anchors get on the air to warn of the “possible chance” of imminent doom. Panic stricken, people then rush out en masse to buy every bottle of water and battery available. Within the next couple of days we’re told how fortunate we were to have dodged another potential bullet, when weather anchors give us the all clear, as the storm has blown northward toward Iceland. This is after we’ve spent our life savings on portable generators, portable air conditioners, extra gas cans, and a two month supply of canned goods.
It has been seventeen years since Hurricane Andrew, when local South Florida meteorologist Brian Norcross gained national notoriety. He talked everyone through that tragic catastrophe by staying on the air for Christ only knows how many hours straight. He published a book covering the incident. He wrote another on proper hurricane preparation. A TV movie about Hurricane Andrew was made featuring Ted Wass as Norcross. Brian Norcross became a very rich man. CBS national news consults him every time there is a serious threat of a hurricane striking landfall somewhere in the U.S. Norcross has gained the public trust. Good for him, he deserves everything he has. But to me, I liken him to Don Larsen throwing a perfect game in the World Series, aside from that achievement; he was a mediocre pitcher at best. Larsen parlayed that one singular shining moment into a lucrative broadcasting career peppered with endorsements.
Wouldn’t it be great if weather forecasters were paid on a sliding scale based on accuracy? I wonder if the “Mendoza Line” would apply in their cases. Talk to me on November 2nd, maybe it’ll rain by then.