This is not news to anyone who has even the remotest fashion sense…and I do mean sense. I’m not talking about looking cool, that’s way too subjective. I’m talking about sense as in sensibility.
At the dawn of humanity, men ruled the roost when it came to what humans wore. No one it will argue it was due to the patriarchal hierarchy of things. Both male and female homo erectus wore animal skins styled in similarly. For you religious folk, Adam and Eve are often depicted wearing matching fig leaves, with Eve having carefully placed flowing locks, shrewdly discreet those early religious painters. Both modes of attire designed for comfort and practicality. As man became “civilized,” comfort and practicality went right out the fucking window. Ironically, for many centuries to follow became rather uncivilized.
Men and women became gold plated, jewel encrusted, shield wearing, headdress donning, ankle laced, flat no sole sandled fops. Then attire took a leap backward.
Some genius thought it would be a good idea to dress in layers. And in addition, body armor was thrown into the mix, as if you weren’t restricted enough; you had to be hot as balls as well. In reality, warriors frequently died due to heat prostration. Couple that with boots that went up to mid-thigh, orthodox extremists who live in the Middle East would be proud of our Anglo ancestors. Geez, getting laid much have been so much trouble in addition to how it was frowned upon; it hardly seemed worth the effort and risk. Today, there has been a metamorphosis of sorts.
Men wear baggy clothes for easy-on-easy-off quick getaways; while many females wear so little clothing fornication can be accomplished in a matter of minutes. However, the comfort issue has taken a weird twist.
Back in the eighties, men wore tight pants…then they wised up. Showing off your ass and junk wasn’t as important as deciding you may need that junk later if you wanted to have kids, and the lack of circulation jeopardized that. Fat men wore tight clothes and thought they looked great. Heavy women with wisdom wore flowing clothes to keep everyone guessing as to how heavy they really were. Today, the tide has turned.
Fat guys wear loose fitting clothes, ashamed of their love handles, love stomach, love ass, and the ever popular moobs. Fat women now live in homes without mirrors, and I guess any kinship close enough to tell them that they look like mashed potatoes in their outfits. Muffin tops are not just eaten anymore, they’re fucking fashion statements. As with the shift in age mentality, today’s fifty is yesterday’s thirty; today’s 300lbs is yesterday’s 170lbs. I’m really glad Oprah has formed that association for young women to feel better about themselves, as if she’s never seen how young women are dressing these days. Oh, that’s right; the money from Oprah’s alliance is doled for artificial body part enhancement.
Women are also the complete opposite of men in terms of comfortable clothing. While men spend much of their day keeping their underwear out of the crack of their asses, women wear underwear that is meant to remain shoved up the crack of their asses.
They wear bras that strangle their boobs all in the name of cleavage. Men are wearing boxers or going commando so there is a place to dance in the ballroom.
They wear hip huggers they are constantly pulling up in addition to taking a half an hour to get in. Men are wearing oversized basketball shorts and “relaxed-fit” Levis.
They shave they private nether regions bald; men shave their heads bald. Men also, would never shave if given the option.
Women, who once complained about shaving their legs on a bi-annual basis, now look for things to shave. Ironically, all this shaving is like using Rogaine.
Once a man starts using Rogaine, he must continue to do so till the end of his days or risk losing what hair grew back. If women who do all this shaving don’t do it regularly, they will experience what men who are growing facial hair experience; an itch so constant and annoying, only jock itch surpasses the discomfort. To top it all off there is the latest trend in footwear.
For awhile there both men and women found the joys of flip-flops. There are designer sandals, sport sandals, and even mandals. The newest trend for women perplexes me. Everywhere I look I’m seeing some sort of variation of Greek and Roman sandals. They’re strapped, laced, blinged, flat, no support…wait I’ve already described these. They were worn a couple thousand years ago. They weren’t comfortable then, and they cannot possibly be comfortable now. Oh, I know, many women will swear they are the most comfortable footwear they own. Keep telling yourselves that. While you’re at it, tell yourself how comfortable and supportive FMP’s are. They make look great. They may make your legs look long and cool, or like shit if your legs are fat; and they may make your ass muscles look better. But there is no way they can be comfortable. I’ve seen women walk in them. Something that is so difficult to walk in, can’t possibly be comfortable. And I know what foot comfort is, since I only have one, so I really value the other one.
Eventually designers will come out with more shit that’s soooo uncomfortable women will just have to have it. Well, you go buy it and wear it. I’ll keep making fun of shit like that. It gives me something to do. Women are still fighting for equal rights and I commend them. However, if you keep on doing uncomfortable things to yourselves just in the name of fashion, do you really expect men to take you seriously when you have good ideas. That’s my rant for today. Now I’m going to scratch my balls located in my nice comfy pants.
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