Never ending streams of year end recaps are put forth by various media sources paying tribute to recent historical events that range from the sublime to the mundane. Some worthy of note which we should remember and savor, others will be quickly dismissed as mental offal. Often we care so little about our past and the effect if has on the direction we’re heading. America has become a culture which demands immediate gratification. We are not a society of waiters. Waiting means patience, a virtuous trait that has been on the wane for many years now. We cannot wait to see what potential outcomes might be. If we only slowed down and recalled historical events we can get a good idea of what the future has in store for us. With that being said, and keeping with the spirit of year end summaries, let’s take a prognosticatory look at the events of 2009.
In the world of sports, Texas will secede from the United States; rename it “Little America,” so the Dallas Cowboys can remain, in some form, America’s Team.
In March, the BCS will declare the New York Yankees World Series Champions.
Mormons consider certain forms of music to be against their faith. Under heavy religious pressure from the Church of Latter Day Saints, the Utah Jazz will change its name to the Utah Tabernacle Choir. Sales of new jerseys skyrocket.
In keeping with the spirit of rewarding mediocrity, all National Hockey League teams will qualify for the playoffs. At the conclusion of said playoffs, each team will be given replicas of the Stanley Cup Trophy. This way no one feels bad about themselves. Kids who Do Not make their schools honor roll receive free tickets to games by showing a copy of their report cards.
American football will universally be known as soccer, eliminating all the confusion.
Also in the NSL, formally known as the National Football League, a rule is passed declaring all uniform colors must be either earth tones or pastels so as not to create anymore fun than absolutely necessary. All unbridled joy is abolished.
A move to speed up Major League games is implemented. Pitchers will now be able to remove themselves from the game without the manager making the requisite trips to the mound. The pitcher who removes himself will also be allowed to summon his replacement.
Also, a coalition made up entirely of Caucasians, in a attempt to expand political correctness, petitions the Major Leagues to force Atlanta and Cleveland to change their names from Braves and Indians respectively, to “Native Americans.” Both team logos must now resemble Charles Eastman in a suit and tie. All tribes in America poke fun at the asshole white men.
In the National Basketball association, in an effort to increase scoring, a new 15 second clock is used, and 4 points will be awarded to anyone who makes a shot from beyond half court. Antoine Walker's career is rejuvenated.
At the high school level, any parent heard harassing coaches, referees, umpires or their own children; or professes to have any knowledge of a particular sport but clearly does not, shall be arrested.
At the recreational level, any parent or coach that does not take their charges out for ice cream after a game is also to be arrested. Behavior of adults improves dramatically.
On the political front, public outcry commences after Barack Obama does not completely change everything within the first 100 days in office. Impeachment proceedings begin after Congress resumes after the summer recess.
Sarah Palin, upset over Texas’ secession, orders the entire state to be moved off the coast of Alaska so she can keep on eye on it along with Russia for telltale signs of aggression. In her living will, she leaves her brain to science, all universities and medical research centers respectfully decline.
Marijuana is legalized. The tax rate on the drug is higher than that of alcoholic beverages and tobacco products. Farmers no longer need to receive government subsidies, taxpayer funded prisons see their populations dwindle, and organized crime activity reaches an all time low. The DEA budget is slashed by 80%. The government deficit is expected to be eradicated within 2 years. There is no longer a foreign trade imbalance. However, employee absenteeism is rampant.
2009 saw the Middle East’s potable fresh water supply dwindle to dangerously low levels. The U.S. comes to their aid offering to exchange barrels of fresh water for crude oil, driving the price per barrel to an all-time low of $12.00. However, gas prices never go below $1.00. Irate consumers demand an explanation. Oil companies and the American government unrepentantly cite “unadulterated greed” as the reason.
All Americans of legal driving age are issued handicapped parking stickers. Physicians universally agree that all Americans suffer some physical malady that hinders their ability to walk anywhere. This eliminates all the jealousies and sniping toward truly handicapped individuals.
The entertainment world has its share of surprises as well.
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, in their continuing attempt to rid the world of all ills, adopt the entire island country of Madagascar.
During a particular down spring movie season, MGM releases a film of Will Smith sitting on the toilet reading the Sunday New York Times. It grosses $11 million in its first weekend.
To make television news appear a little less grave, a Whoopee Cushion is installed in Katie Couric’s anchor chair. CBS’s ratings soar.
Lewis Black is named the head of CNN.
Alas, things that affect us directly remain dormant. Our cable and satellite television still won’t work in inclement weather. Telecommunications companies allude to “shitty technology and apathy” for continued poor reception. Monthly rates increase.
A new Iphone is introduced; it’s a combination microcomputer/GPS/Ipod/Wii/taser. All functions work perfectly. However, phone service is spotty at best. Cellular service providers acknowledge this “snag” but admit “we really don’t care.” Monthly rates increase.
But the top story for 2009; McDonald’s Corporation, due to the legalization of marijuana, is no longer able to staff franchises. They ask for and receive a substantial taxpayer funded government bailout. The government points to the absolute need for Americans to remain fat, lazy and in poor health. No one raises an eyebrow.
Have a Happy New Year.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Twas the Night before Christmas
Twas the night before Christmas, and all around the earth
Everyone was bitching and moaning, there were no thoughts of mirth. Long hours working, for those who had jobs, then it’s off to trim trees,
string lights, and go shopping with the rest of the mob.
After cursing the traffic on the way home, you load up the mini-van, crying children in tow. This is a misguided notion of quality time, when if you left them with a sitter, all would be fine.
Last minute gifts are the cause for this trek, while accumulated stuff lay dormant on the porch and the deck. If not stuff that we crave, it’s a much bigger house. That means a much bigger mortgage, hell, it’s no wonder we regularly go and get soused.
The worries of money, and our boss who’s a jerk; we can’t quit now, one more year before the really great perks. So we endure and we toil, whilst the essentials go wanting; that’d be our kids and our friends, we find personal relationships too time consuming and daunting.
After a fight with the wife, and bedding down of the brood; we go through the motions wrapping gifts and getting Santa’s faux food.
“Don’t want to disappoint the kids” you say to yourself, while it’s already too late you unjolly elf.
You’ve frittered away their most valuable years, preoccupied with investments and those fucking assholes the Jones. It’s been hard to keep up, but you’ve done it, through stock scams and short loans. Looks like you’ve passed them if that’s what you’re after; they’ve filed for bankruptcy, moved out, their life’s a disaster.
This train of thought is broken, by a noise before dawn. You throw open the front door and scream “Get off of my lawn!” “Through spring and summer I sodded and weeded and mowed, don’t you ruin my handiwork, I’ll call the cops and have that freakin’ sleigh towed!”
“I know the mayor,”and each councilman by name, on Liebman, and Goldberg, Hernandez and Smythe; on Bennett and Jenkins…” who cares, get a life. Can’t you be kind if just for one day? You add, “I’m also the president of my HOA!”
The neighbors you ignore all the year long, have all left their homes to witness this outburst. You rant and you rave, your behavior’s the worst. The man in the red suit shakes his head in disgust, where did it all go wrong he wonders, this visit’s a bust. Self-absorbed and conceited, they think their entitled, to what I don’t know, when they act so infantile.
The man in the red suit continues to muse; they’re in a big rush, honk horns, and give the finger to whoever they choose. They don’t need bigger garages to hold stuff so bigger cars will not fit. Let’s simplify, like George Carlin once said, be nicer to each other and don’t steal shit.
Let’s take a step back, so we can see the glass is half full; call a friend or a relative, go chat with those neighbors this Yule. Let’s try to stay that way all the year through; to hell with promotions and one-upping each other, make it a point to be better fathers and mothers.
I long for the day Santa’s bag is of little weight, the things Christmas should stand for, take up a space that’s much, much too great. If we can get our heads out of our asses, and hands out of wallets, we’d understand that we’ve got what we need, and stop being so callous.
The neighborhood residents look gloomy, no presents for them. Things will be different they swear if it means happiness for they and their kin.
The man in red has brought a gift for the irate jerkoff nevertheless, he hands over an envelope, and say “you’ve been served by the IRS.”
Everyone was bitching and moaning, there were no thoughts of mirth. Long hours working, for those who had jobs, then it’s off to trim trees,
string lights, and go shopping with the rest of the mob.
After cursing the traffic on the way home, you load up the mini-van, crying children in tow. This is a misguided notion of quality time, when if you left them with a sitter, all would be fine.
Last minute gifts are the cause for this trek, while accumulated stuff lay dormant on the porch and the deck. If not stuff that we crave, it’s a much bigger house. That means a much bigger mortgage, hell, it’s no wonder we regularly go and get soused.
The worries of money, and our boss who’s a jerk; we can’t quit now, one more year before the really great perks. So we endure and we toil, whilst the essentials go wanting; that’d be our kids and our friends, we find personal relationships too time consuming and daunting.
After a fight with the wife, and bedding down of the brood; we go through the motions wrapping gifts and getting Santa’s faux food.
“Don’t want to disappoint the kids” you say to yourself, while it’s already too late you unjolly elf.
You’ve frittered away their most valuable years, preoccupied with investments and those fucking assholes the Jones. It’s been hard to keep up, but you’ve done it, through stock scams and short loans. Looks like you’ve passed them if that’s what you’re after; they’ve filed for bankruptcy, moved out, their life’s a disaster.
This train of thought is broken, by a noise before dawn. You throw open the front door and scream “Get off of my lawn!” “Through spring and summer I sodded and weeded and mowed, don’t you ruin my handiwork, I’ll call the cops and have that freakin’ sleigh towed!”
“I know the mayor,”and each councilman by name, on Liebman, and Goldberg, Hernandez and Smythe; on Bennett and Jenkins…” who cares, get a life. Can’t you be kind if just for one day? You add, “I’m also the president of my HOA!”
The neighbors you ignore all the year long, have all left their homes to witness this outburst. You rant and you rave, your behavior’s the worst. The man in the red suit shakes his head in disgust, where did it all go wrong he wonders, this visit’s a bust. Self-absorbed and conceited, they think their entitled, to what I don’t know, when they act so infantile.
The man in the red suit continues to muse; they’re in a big rush, honk horns, and give the finger to whoever they choose. They don’t need bigger garages to hold stuff so bigger cars will not fit. Let’s simplify, like George Carlin once said, be nicer to each other and don’t steal shit.
Let’s take a step back, so we can see the glass is half full; call a friend or a relative, go chat with those neighbors this Yule. Let’s try to stay that way all the year through; to hell with promotions and one-upping each other, make it a point to be better fathers and mothers.
I long for the day Santa’s bag is of little weight, the things Christmas should stand for, take up a space that’s much, much too great. If we can get our heads out of our asses, and hands out of wallets, we’d understand that we’ve got what we need, and stop being so callous.
The neighborhood residents look gloomy, no presents for them. Things will be different they swear if it means happiness for they and their kin.
The man in red has brought a gift for the irate jerkoff nevertheless, he hands over an envelope, and say “you’ve been served by the IRS.”
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
“And the Winner Is…”
Over the last couple of months, numerous accolades have been doled out in many segments of what our culture deems entertainment. Those things we can’t get enough of; sports, movies, “reality” television.
Baseball concluded its season with the annual sports writer anointment of the best of the best. Each league had a MVP, a Cy Young, a Rookie of the year. Each also had its Silver Sluggers, Golden Glovers, and Bronze Jock Strappers. Hall of Fame ballots have gone out for this year’s class of honoree hopefuls. Shamefully, Pete Rose isn’t on it.
College Football is concluding the season with the Heisman, the Lombardi, the Butkus, the Maxwell, the Walter Camp, the Davey O’ Brien, All-Conference, All-American; not to mention the upcoming All-Star games. The Shrine game, The Hula Bowl, The Senior Bowl, The Blue-Gray Game, The Black and Blue Game, the I’m Singing the Blues Game. For you non-sport folk, the last two are made up…I think. There are more, need I go on? Yes I must!
The nominees have been announced for possible induction into the Professional Football Hall of Fame. The voting is in for the NFL Pro Bowl. You know that one, it’s the game at the end of the year, yes, even after the Super Bowl; the one that no one gives a shit about the outcome. The one many of the players eschew, even though it’s played in Hawaii…in February, which shows you how over football a lot of these guys are by then. Hell, many players have incentive clauses in their contracts which pay them sizable bonuses if elected to the team, and they still don’t go.
The Golden Globes recently checked in with their nominations on the finest the movie industry has to offer, whether the public concurs with them or not. The actors, directors, et al, all will tell you what an honor it is to be recognized for their work. The bottom line is what the hype will do for the movie at the box office. Before you know it, the Oscar nominations will be announced, and television entertainment news magazines will finally have endless mindless crap to talk about. Oh, they already do that.
In television, we now know who the best celebrity dancer is, and the winner of the Amazing Race. Three “experts,” one a former Los Angeles Laker cheerleader, told us what who the next American Idol will be. If anybody, she should know! We will soon find out who the Biggest Loser is, not the viewer for watching, but the person who lost the most weight. Let’s all hold our collective breaths ok? Lastly, we finally get to know who won Survivor- Journey to the Center of the Earth. What is it, the46th installment of that franchise? Maybe it only seems like it’s been that many. Man, I thought that show jumped the shark long ago. When is the public going to realize that the participant’s behavior is no longer spontaneous? You can’t really think the contestants never saw the show before and everything they do is original. As long as it continues to get ratings, and there are picturesque shitholes on the planet to go, the show will regretfully endure. Maybe the next one can be Survivor-Space Station. Let’s see how long the competitors can stand each other in close quarters. I’d watch that.
Who are the decision makers of the majority of the aforementioned distinctive achievements? For the sports realm, I n some cases it’s the coaches. For the most part, it’s the sports writers. The same people who occasionally lambaste and vilify the individuals nominated for the awards. In addition, the criteria on which they base their votes vary...widely, dependent upon what’s in vogue at the time. For the Golden Globes and the Oscars, who cares? Two sport awards that warrant further scrutiny here are Major League baseball’s MVP award, and College Football’s Heisman Trophy.
In 1941, Joe DiMaggio of the New York Yankees bested Ted Williams of the Boston Red Sox for the American League MVP. DiMaggio had his 56 game hitting streak; Williams became the last man to hit .400, both memorable accomplishments. Is one more feat momentous than the other? It’s hard to say. However, one writer left Williams completely off his ballot, unconscionable. Though, Williams’ relationship with members of the press was rocky at best. So how much you kiss the sports writers ass is taken into account? I thought it was all about what was accomplished between the white lines that mattered. (Pete Rose would beg to differ) In addition, DiMaggio’s Yankees won the pennant that year, and that should count for something, but sometimes it doesn’t.
In 1987, Andre Dawson won the award as a member of the last place Chicago Cubs. They could’ve finished in last place without him, so how valuable could he have really been? But his on field performance was significantly superior to that of his peers. So does it matter where your team finishes in the standings? Sometimes, if the wind is right, just ask Albert Pujols. His team didn’t even win their division, and he won the National League MVP this year. Outcry has been minimal due to Pujols’ amicable disposition, and humble demeanor. (Pete Rose should read Dale Carnegie’s book) Okay, I get it now. If you’re a really good guy, and even though the team you play for didn’t reach their goals, then you can still win because the writers like you. That sounds fair… not. The Heisman voting is no less suspect with its own share of intangibles.
In 1987, Charles Woodson of the University of Michigan, became the first primarily defensive player to win the prestigious Heisman Trophy. He intercepted passes, he returned punts, and he returned kickoffs, he could leap tall buildings in a single bound. Against archrival Ohio State, he intercepted two passes, returned a punt for a touchdown, and even caught a 37 yard pass while on offense that led to Michigan’s lone offensive touchdown. Wow! What a valuable player. But the Heisman is not given to the most valuable player; it’s given to the best player. Woodson finished ahead of Peyton Manning in the voting, but light years behind statiscally. The previous year, Woodson did not moon a female assistant athletic trainer, Manning did. When did sportswriters become the moral entrepreneurs of American society, and when did behavior have bearing on voting, or should it have any bearing at all?
Thank goodness the moral fiber has been above reproach for those up for the award in 2008. For the most part, it’s about gaudy numbers (not in 1987 obviously); except if you lose a big game down the stretch like Graham Harrell, the quarterback of Texas Tech did. And he had his worst game of the year against Heisman winner Sam Bradford’s Oklahoma squad. Harrell’s statistics matched up with the three finalists that made the trip to New York. But Sam Bradford and Tim Tebow team’s won their conference championship game. Colt McCoy’s Texas team was excluded from the conference championship because of the BSC ranking tie-breaker rule. All were deserving of the award. None of them ever pissed off anybody in the press, unless there’s a penalty for being too upstanding, and not one of them dropped trou in front of a young lady.
I wonder if any of those Heisman voters cast their ballots for O.J. Simpson when he won the award in 1968.
Baseball concluded its season with the annual sports writer anointment of the best of the best. Each league had a MVP, a Cy Young, a Rookie of the year. Each also had its Silver Sluggers, Golden Glovers, and Bronze Jock Strappers. Hall of Fame ballots have gone out for this year’s class of honoree hopefuls. Shamefully, Pete Rose isn’t on it.
College Football is concluding the season with the Heisman, the Lombardi, the Butkus, the Maxwell, the Walter Camp, the Davey O’ Brien, All-Conference, All-American; not to mention the upcoming All-Star games. The Shrine game, The Hula Bowl, The Senior Bowl, The Blue-Gray Game, The Black and Blue Game, the I’m Singing the Blues Game. For you non-sport folk, the last two are made up…I think. There are more, need I go on? Yes I must!
The nominees have been announced for possible induction into the Professional Football Hall of Fame. The voting is in for the NFL Pro Bowl. You know that one, it’s the game at the end of the year, yes, even after the Super Bowl; the one that no one gives a shit about the outcome. The one many of the players eschew, even though it’s played in Hawaii…in February, which shows you how over football a lot of these guys are by then. Hell, many players have incentive clauses in their contracts which pay them sizable bonuses if elected to the team, and they still don’t go.
The Golden Globes recently checked in with their nominations on the finest the movie industry has to offer, whether the public concurs with them or not. The actors, directors, et al, all will tell you what an honor it is to be recognized for their work. The bottom line is what the hype will do for the movie at the box office. Before you know it, the Oscar nominations will be announced, and television entertainment news magazines will finally have endless mindless crap to talk about. Oh, they already do that.
In television, we now know who the best celebrity dancer is, and the winner of the Amazing Race. Three “experts,” one a former Los Angeles Laker cheerleader, told us what who the next American Idol will be. If anybody, she should know! We will soon find out who the Biggest Loser is, not the viewer for watching, but the person who lost the most weight. Let’s all hold our collective breaths ok? Lastly, we finally get to know who won Survivor- Journey to the Center of the Earth. What is it, the46th installment of that franchise? Maybe it only seems like it’s been that many. Man, I thought that show jumped the shark long ago. When is the public going to realize that the participant’s behavior is no longer spontaneous? You can’t really think the contestants never saw the show before and everything they do is original. As long as it continues to get ratings, and there are picturesque shitholes on the planet to go, the show will regretfully endure. Maybe the next one can be Survivor-Space Station. Let’s see how long the competitors can stand each other in close quarters. I’d watch that.
Who are the decision makers of the majority of the aforementioned distinctive achievements? For the sports realm, I n some cases it’s the coaches. For the most part, it’s the sports writers. The same people who occasionally lambaste and vilify the individuals nominated for the awards. In addition, the criteria on which they base their votes vary...widely, dependent upon what’s in vogue at the time. For the Golden Globes and the Oscars, who cares? Two sport awards that warrant further scrutiny here are Major League baseball’s MVP award, and College Football’s Heisman Trophy.
In 1941, Joe DiMaggio of the New York Yankees bested Ted Williams of the Boston Red Sox for the American League MVP. DiMaggio had his 56 game hitting streak; Williams became the last man to hit .400, both memorable accomplishments. Is one more feat momentous than the other? It’s hard to say. However, one writer left Williams completely off his ballot, unconscionable. Though, Williams’ relationship with members of the press was rocky at best. So how much you kiss the sports writers ass is taken into account? I thought it was all about what was accomplished between the white lines that mattered. (Pete Rose would beg to differ) In addition, DiMaggio’s Yankees won the pennant that year, and that should count for something, but sometimes it doesn’t.
In 1987, Andre Dawson won the award as a member of the last place Chicago Cubs. They could’ve finished in last place without him, so how valuable could he have really been? But his on field performance was significantly superior to that of his peers. So does it matter where your team finishes in the standings? Sometimes, if the wind is right, just ask Albert Pujols. His team didn’t even win their division, and he won the National League MVP this year. Outcry has been minimal due to Pujols’ amicable disposition, and humble demeanor. (Pete Rose should read Dale Carnegie’s book) Okay, I get it now. If you’re a really good guy, and even though the team you play for didn’t reach their goals, then you can still win because the writers like you. That sounds fair… not. The Heisman voting is no less suspect with its own share of intangibles.
In 1987, Charles Woodson of the University of Michigan, became the first primarily defensive player to win the prestigious Heisman Trophy. He intercepted passes, he returned punts, and he returned kickoffs, he could leap tall buildings in a single bound. Against archrival Ohio State, he intercepted two passes, returned a punt for a touchdown, and even caught a 37 yard pass while on offense that led to Michigan’s lone offensive touchdown. Wow! What a valuable player. But the Heisman is not given to the most valuable player; it’s given to the best player. Woodson finished ahead of Peyton Manning in the voting, but light years behind statiscally. The previous year, Woodson did not moon a female assistant athletic trainer, Manning did. When did sportswriters become the moral entrepreneurs of American society, and when did behavior have bearing on voting, or should it have any bearing at all?
Thank goodness the moral fiber has been above reproach for those up for the award in 2008. For the most part, it’s about gaudy numbers (not in 1987 obviously); except if you lose a big game down the stretch like Graham Harrell, the quarterback of Texas Tech did. And he had his worst game of the year against Heisman winner Sam Bradford’s Oklahoma squad. Harrell’s statistics matched up with the three finalists that made the trip to New York. But Sam Bradford and Tim Tebow team’s won their conference championship game. Colt McCoy’s Texas team was excluded from the conference championship because of the BSC ranking tie-breaker rule. All were deserving of the award. None of them ever pissed off anybody in the press, unless there’s a penalty for being too upstanding, and not one of them dropped trou in front of a young lady.
I wonder if any of those Heisman voters cast their ballots for O.J. Simpson when he won the award in 1968.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Simple Pleasures for Simple Minds
The country is mired in economic doldrums the likes we’ve never seen according to all the Chicken Little’s in the media. Massive industry cutbacks and layoffs accompany the corporate begging for Washington’s dollars. The real estate market sucks and the stock market blows, or is it the other way around? It doesn’t really matter; both markets are in the toilet. The only things that are going up are the U.S. debt and unemployment. We’ve just elected our first bi-racial President, who has just inherited this huge pile of fiscal fecal matter. Enough! I say. Let’s broach a subject that is completely frivolous, chewing gum, specifically, bubble gum. More specific yet, Bubble Yum Sugarless Peppermint Bubble Gum. Insert angelic harmonies here.
You know how every once in awhile a product comes along that is infinitely better than anything else on the market. It knows no peer. The competition pales in comparison. Charmin Plus with Aloe toilet paper falls into this category. Never have I ever met anyone that declares that toilet paper is toilet paper. Sure, under duress, we’ve all used crude substitutions; either when camping, or on a desolate highway while on an alcohol fueled roadtrip. Anything will do in a pinch; no pun intended.
Many of our parents did not put a premium on TP. This was an area that one could be frugal when shopping. My mother was a Scott 1000 sheet roll woman, and she bought them in bulk. Who cared that it wasn’t eco-friendly; that you used twice the amount of the one-ply sandpaper facsimile. Hell, it was 10 for a $1.00 or some shit, again, no pun intended. Our generation obviously felt quite the contrary. We did not underestimate the importance of comfortable toilet tissue. You peruse the supermarket paper product aisle and you’ll find a wide array of bathroom tissue, many of the brands coming out in the last 25 years or so. Charmin alone has 5 or 6 different types for the truly discernable shopper. We were no longer relegated to the flimsy school TP, the grainy office TP, and the dreaded industrially abrasive brown Gas Station TP. We demanded more for our bungholes, and we got it by god! We spared no expense when it came to a more pleasurable bathroom experience. This new wave of toilet tissue became the cornerstone for this revolutionary step forward in premium potty time. Charmin Plus with Aloe is my personal fave, but not everyone concurs. Not so concerning Bubble Yum Sugarless Peppermint Bubble Gum. There’s those angels’ singing again.
Walter E Diemer, an accountant, should be nominated for sainthood as far as I’m concerned. In 1928, after his boss Gilbert Mustin gave up the ghost; Mr. Diemer picked up where Mr. Mustin left off in his quest for a suitable gum base. Neither man had any chemistry background. It was Mr. Mustin’s search for a better gum, and Mr. Diemer’s curiosity and never say die attitude, and a little dumb luck, that resulted in the invention of bubble gum. Chewing gum had been around for the better part of eight hundred years before someone attempted to not only make chewing gum satisfying, but fun as well.
Diemer claimed the bubbles were an accident. The men set out to make a gum that wouldn’t stick. But once the gum was found to be stable enough as to not fall apart, Mr. Diemer added the only food coloring available, pink, and came up with a batch of gum with greater elasticity than gums on the market at the time. When chewed, this new gum didn’t fall apart, and as an added bonus, stretched enough to produce bubbles. Those angels are becoming really annoying.
Walter happened to be an accountant for the Fleer Chewing Gum Company. They christened this new gum Dubble Bubble. Fleer sold $1.5 million dollars of the stuff in the first year alone. Walter eventually rose to the position of executive vice-president, but received no royalties for his ground-breaking invention. Soon, Bazooka and Topps vied with Fleer for bubble gum supremacy. It would be nearly fifty years after that first bubble was blown that the world would be introduced to Bubble Yum.
Bubble Yum was the brain child of the Lifesavers Candy Company. For nearly 5 years Bubble Yum was only available in the diabetic coma inducing sugar laden version. Sugarless bubble gum was for sissies. Sugarless versions were only offered by unheard of off-brands. No self-respecting bubble gum company thought a profitable market for the sugarless variety existed. However, as America became more health conscious, a large selection of low-calorie items dotted grocery store shelves. In 1980, Bubble Yum produced a gum that was easy on the waistline, and didn’t promote tooth decay.
Two years later, Hubba Bubba and Bubblicious joined in the fray of super bubble producing gums. In an effort to gain an additional share in the ever expanding market, Bubble Yum came out with a flavored adaptation of Sugarless Bubble Yum. Peppermint was their choice for this new venture. I’m eternally grateful.
A long time bubble gum chewer, I’d found my Holy Grail of gums. This product remained soft for extended periods of time unmatched by any gum I’d previously sampled. In addition, the minty flavor lasted long after lesser gums had lost taste appeal. Could this be the perfect gum? I never settled for anything less ever again.
I once sent a fellow employee on a mission to locate me a pack of the prized concoction. He was not to return without it. My cohorts must join me in this celebration of the mouth. Each and every person that tried Bubble Yum Sugarless Peppermint Bubble Gum from that day on agreed; it truly was the “best gum.” Excitedly, individuals I shared my bounty with, approached me over an hour later to tell me that the softness and flavor did indeed hold true. But as the years wore on, the gum of gums became more elusive.
In 1993, I moved to Florida. I was tickled to find that several merchants carried the gum that knew no equal. Alas, after the Hershey chocolate company acquired the Bubble Yum brand, the vendor numbers dwindled. I would often travel from store to store and buy what remained of the precious booty. I bought boxes at a time, often at per pack price. It didn’t matter. I got to enlist new waves of Bubble Yum Sugarless Peppermint Bubble Gum disciples with each pack I opened. Several months ago, my love affair with the “best gum” ever, came to an abrupt end.
My wife and I went from CVS to CVS, the last of the dying breed of appreciators of the finest gum I had ever encountered. After a near futile search of 5 stores unearthed only 3 packs, we inquired as to this tragedy. We were told Hershey was discontinuing the brand. Devastated, I returned home to see if the Internet could fill the impending void.
Several sites offered regular flavor Bubble Yum Sugarless Bubble Gum; a weak and inferior product that didn’t tickle my senses the way the peppermint variety did; my search continued. Eureka! Was it true? Did my eyes deceive me? After so many confectioner web site visits, 1, one, uno, solo, lone web site had a box of MY gum….at $3.00 per pack plus shipping. I had my limits. The gum did not provide any sexual pleasure, and I felt this should be included at that price. I was stymied, stonewalled, my Bubble Yum Sugarless Peppermint Bubble Gum days had come to an end. I was relegated to a barely passable replacement. But my fortunes were soon to change.
My friend Gregg, recently invited me a local theater production. As was the custom, I offered him gum. Gregg, who long ago had been introduced to the gum industries crown jewel, asked if it was the “good gum.” Downtrodden, I gave him the sad news. I no longer possessed, or had access to, any more good gum. Unbeknownst to me, he became a man on a mission.
Last night, I received a call. Gregg was on the other end. He informed me that he gotten me a Christmas present. We had ceased exchanging gifts several years ago. I was humbly taken aback. He told me I was now the owner of an entire box of fresh, Bubble Yum Sugarless Peppermint Bubble Gum! Hallelujahs and Hosannas reigned! I suspected that Gregg, he of more means than I, did not balk at the pricey outlet I came across on the Internet. I was surprised at his resourcefulness. Perhaps it was due to the fact that he was the father of two young girls and he couldn’t imagine them growing up without ever had the opportunity to sample the finest gum, bar none, ever made. Whatever the reason, I was thrilled, my exuberance was palpable. Like an unsuspecting reunion with a lost love, I am to be reunited. Fate and Gregg had brought us together again. I wonder if Barack Obama would like a piece. He sure could use some good something right now.
You know how every once in awhile a product comes along that is infinitely better than anything else on the market. It knows no peer. The competition pales in comparison. Charmin Plus with Aloe toilet paper falls into this category. Never have I ever met anyone that declares that toilet paper is toilet paper. Sure, under duress, we’ve all used crude substitutions; either when camping, or on a desolate highway while on an alcohol fueled roadtrip. Anything will do in a pinch; no pun intended.
Many of our parents did not put a premium on TP. This was an area that one could be frugal when shopping. My mother was a Scott 1000 sheet roll woman, and she bought them in bulk. Who cared that it wasn’t eco-friendly; that you used twice the amount of the one-ply sandpaper facsimile. Hell, it was 10 for a $1.00 or some shit, again, no pun intended. Our generation obviously felt quite the contrary. We did not underestimate the importance of comfortable toilet tissue. You peruse the supermarket paper product aisle and you’ll find a wide array of bathroom tissue, many of the brands coming out in the last 25 years or so. Charmin alone has 5 or 6 different types for the truly discernable shopper. We were no longer relegated to the flimsy school TP, the grainy office TP, and the dreaded industrially abrasive brown Gas Station TP. We demanded more for our bungholes, and we got it by god! We spared no expense when it came to a more pleasurable bathroom experience. This new wave of toilet tissue became the cornerstone for this revolutionary step forward in premium potty time. Charmin Plus with Aloe is my personal fave, but not everyone concurs. Not so concerning Bubble Yum Sugarless Peppermint Bubble Gum. There’s those angels’ singing again.
Walter E Diemer, an accountant, should be nominated for sainthood as far as I’m concerned. In 1928, after his boss Gilbert Mustin gave up the ghost; Mr. Diemer picked up where Mr. Mustin left off in his quest for a suitable gum base. Neither man had any chemistry background. It was Mr. Mustin’s search for a better gum, and Mr. Diemer’s curiosity and never say die attitude, and a little dumb luck, that resulted in the invention of bubble gum. Chewing gum had been around for the better part of eight hundred years before someone attempted to not only make chewing gum satisfying, but fun as well.
Diemer claimed the bubbles were an accident. The men set out to make a gum that wouldn’t stick. But once the gum was found to be stable enough as to not fall apart, Mr. Diemer added the only food coloring available, pink, and came up with a batch of gum with greater elasticity than gums on the market at the time. When chewed, this new gum didn’t fall apart, and as an added bonus, stretched enough to produce bubbles. Those angels are becoming really annoying.
Walter happened to be an accountant for the Fleer Chewing Gum Company. They christened this new gum Dubble Bubble. Fleer sold $1.5 million dollars of the stuff in the first year alone. Walter eventually rose to the position of executive vice-president, but received no royalties for his ground-breaking invention. Soon, Bazooka and Topps vied with Fleer for bubble gum supremacy. It would be nearly fifty years after that first bubble was blown that the world would be introduced to Bubble Yum.
Bubble Yum was the brain child of the Lifesavers Candy Company. For nearly 5 years Bubble Yum was only available in the diabetic coma inducing sugar laden version. Sugarless bubble gum was for sissies. Sugarless versions were only offered by unheard of off-brands. No self-respecting bubble gum company thought a profitable market for the sugarless variety existed. However, as America became more health conscious, a large selection of low-calorie items dotted grocery store shelves. In 1980, Bubble Yum produced a gum that was easy on the waistline, and didn’t promote tooth decay.
Two years later, Hubba Bubba and Bubblicious joined in the fray of super bubble producing gums. In an effort to gain an additional share in the ever expanding market, Bubble Yum came out with a flavored adaptation of Sugarless Bubble Yum. Peppermint was their choice for this new venture. I’m eternally grateful.
A long time bubble gum chewer, I’d found my Holy Grail of gums. This product remained soft for extended periods of time unmatched by any gum I’d previously sampled. In addition, the minty flavor lasted long after lesser gums had lost taste appeal. Could this be the perfect gum? I never settled for anything less ever again.
I once sent a fellow employee on a mission to locate me a pack of the prized concoction. He was not to return without it. My cohorts must join me in this celebration of the mouth. Each and every person that tried Bubble Yum Sugarless Peppermint Bubble Gum from that day on agreed; it truly was the “best gum.” Excitedly, individuals I shared my bounty with, approached me over an hour later to tell me that the softness and flavor did indeed hold true. But as the years wore on, the gum of gums became more elusive.
In 1993, I moved to Florida. I was tickled to find that several merchants carried the gum that knew no equal. Alas, after the Hershey chocolate company acquired the Bubble Yum brand, the vendor numbers dwindled. I would often travel from store to store and buy what remained of the precious booty. I bought boxes at a time, often at per pack price. It didn’t matter. I got to enlist new waves of Bubble Yum Sugarless Peppermint Bubble Gum disciples with each pack I opened. Several months ago, my love affair with the “best gum” ever, came to an abrupt end.
My wife and I went from CVS to CVS, the last of the dying breed of appreciators of the finest gum I had ever encountered. After a near futile search of 5 stores unearthed only 3 packs, we inquired as to this tragedy. We were told Hershey was discontinuing the brand. Devastated, I returned home to see if the Internet could fill the impending void.
Several sites offered regular flavor Bubble Yum Sugarless Bubble Gum; a weak and inferior product that didn’t tickle my senses the way the peppermint variety did; my search continued. Eureka! Was it true? Did my eyes deceive me? After so many confectioner web site visits, 1, one, uno, solo, lone web site had a box of MY gum….at $3.00 per pack plus shipping. I had my limits. The gum did not provide any sexual pleasure, and I felt this should be included at that price. I was stymied, stonewalled, my Bubble Yum Sugarless Peppermint Bubble Gum days had come to an end. I was relegated to a barely passable replacement. But my fortunes were soon to change.
My friend Gregg, recently invited me a local theater production. As was the custom, I offered him gum. Gregg, who long ago had been introduced to the gum industries crown jewel, asked if it was the “good gum.” Downtrodden, I gave him the sad news. I no longer possessed, or had access to, any more good gum. Unbeknownst to me, he became a man on a mission.
Last night, I received a call. Gregg was on the other end. He informed me that he gotten me a Christmas present. We had ceased exchanging gifts several years ago. I was humbly taken aback. He told me I was now the owner of an entire box of fresh, Bubble Yum Sugarless Peppermint Bubble Gum! Hallelujahs and Hosannas reigned! I suspected that Gregg, he of more means than I, did not balk at the pricey outlet I came across on the Internet. I was surprised at his resourcefulness. Perhaps it was due to the fact that he was the father of two young girls and he couldn’t imagine them growing up without ever had the opportunity to sample the finest gum, bar none, ever made. Whatever the reason, I was thrilled, my exuberance was palpable. Like an unsuspecting reunion with a lost love, I am to be reunited. Fate and Gregg had brought us together again. I wonder if Barack Obama would like a piece. He sure could use some good something right now.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Other People’s Money
A Congressional committee is currently hearing from the CEO’s of the not so Big Three from the automobile industry. It seems they too, are in need of financial assistance. Then again, aren’t we all. Unless you find yourself among that elite class of “ten-per centers,” you’ve probably taken a hit in the ol’ wallet. Are we allowed to go before Congress and plead our cases so the government will help us remain solvent? Noooooo! Maybe it’s time for the auto industry to man up, and bite the bullet. If they don’t want to bite the bullet, let them chew on this for awhile.
In an unprecedented appeal for government funds, five huge corporations have asked for, and received government fiscal dispensation. There have been only eight other requests between 1970, and 2001, with mixed results. And now the 3 largest American automobile manufacturers want to add their names to the ever growing list…again, for 2008. How soon we forget.
In May of 1970, the Penn Central Railroad needed a bailout of $3.2 billion dollars. President Nixon and the Federal Reserve supported the financial assistance. Congress said nay, and Penn Central filed for bankruptcy the following month, absolving Penn Central from its commercial paper obligations. How nice! On top of that, to counteract the aftershocks to the money market, the Fed provided the funds to commercial banks to meet the credit needs of its customers. Sound familiar? It just so happens that 5 other railroads were in the shitter as well, so they all got together to form ConRail. The government dumped $19.7 billion into the consortium. It took 11 years, but ConRail started to turn a profit. In 1987, the government sold ConRail for $3.1 billion. In addition, the Treasury received a $579 million dividend from the railway. Seventeen years it took for the government to get their money back. I’m glad I wasn’t hanging by my balls waiting for that ship to come in.
The government also bailed out Lockheed in 1971. That turned out really well for the good old U.S. of A. Not so for the Franklin National Bank bailout. We, -I say "we" because the government finances some of this stuff with taxpayer money- didn’t fair so well on that one, mostly to due corporate corruption and lack of legislation. If this piece was a game of “hide and seek” we’d be getting warm about now.
The NYC bailout in 1975, and the Chrysler bailout in 1980, netted the government some serious coin. In 1984, the Continental Illinois National Bank and Trust got a helping hand from Uncle Sam, but they picked their figurative nose before they took it. The FDIC took a $1.8 billion loss on that one; same for the Savings and Loan fiasco in 1989. John Q. Public got bit for $178.56 billion there. Do you sense a trend with these banking industry shitheads?
Believe or not, the government made money on the airline industry bailout. Profits were reportedly to be somewhere in the neighborhood of $141.7 million to $327 million. Big fucking neighborhood if you ask me. The government only did that well because Eastern Airlines, Pan Am, Braniff, National, and TWA to name a few, had the good graces to file for bankruptcy prior to 2001. The government had to step in to save the rest or we’d all be taking trains again. Or, we could start driving everywhere again, and make good use of our massive interstate highway system that is in such disrepair. But then, the ever profitable oil companies would start raising gas prices so the even more elite "one per centers" can keep garnering those huge dividends. Oh, we can’t repair the roads anyway, that would take tax dollars, and we’re too busy using them to bailout unregulated, mismanaged, greedy corporations that have spread themselves too thin.
So who heads the list of least likely to succeed for 2008? Lending institutions. These are the same guys the U.S. government has bet on in the past and lost. Of the-now here’s a big fucking number-$1,352,500,000,000.00 (yes, trillion) in government bailout monies so far, $1,327,500,000,000.00 went to Bear Stearns, Fannie Mae/Freddie Mac, A.I.G. and their credit default swaps bullshit, Troubled Asset Relief Program (Wall Street, and their credit default swaps bullshit), and Citigroup. The other measly $25 billion went to; yup you guessed it, the auto industry.
What’s ironic is that both General Motors, the biggest of the “getting smaller all the time 3,” and Citigroup, are on the Dow Jones. No wonder the damn average is behaving like a hummingbird with ADHD. Let’s remove these two slackers, replace them with profitable, stable companies, and see if things don’t mellow out a little. That’s what’s been done throughout the years.
The original Dow was comprised of only 11 companies; 9 railroads, a steamship firm, and Western Union. The last time the name of a railroad appeared on the Dow was 1927, the last year before the list of companies was expanded from 20 to 30. Since the expansion, companies have come and gone, some have lasted longer than others. Sear Roebuck & Company was added to the short list in January, 1924, and held its place until November, 1999. The huge retailer Woolworth came along in May of ’24, but was replaced by Wal-Mart in March of 1997. Woolworth not only was removed from the Dow, it went out of business altogether. How fast and far the mighty have fallen.
US Steel and Bethlehem Steel no longer share the distinction of making up the Dow Industrials along with Hudson Motors, Chrysler, and Studebaker. Studebaker hung around a little longer by merging with Nash, but they too have fallen by the wayside, and it's been quite awhile at that.
In The Godfather, Hyman Roth declared to Michael Corleone in 1959 that organized crime was bigger than US Steel. That’s nothing to brag about today. Some folks say that unions were the cause of US Steel’s woes, and that’s what’s ailing the automobile industry. That’s not entirely true. There was a need for unions for the coal miners and steel workers back in the 19th century. The premise was a good one; protect workers from greedy management in an unregulated industry. Things changed little over the years until unions became greedy, mismanaged, and unregulated. When union negotiations became versions of “Can You Top This” in the 1960’s, corporations didn’t count on worker life expectancies increasing exponentially. Now the auto industry is paying the price for their lack of foresight. Back when union deals were struck affecting individuals who are now living well into their 70’s, the average life expectancy was 62. That’s over ten more years of pensions and healthcare benefits.
So many things automakers didn’t count on; foreign competition, costs of doing business escalating, mismanagement, and the always popular, greed; the very same components that fueled the downfall of the steel industry in this country.
One thing that the rogue’s gallery of government titsuckers can count on is that the economy is cyclical. Every 14 years or so, it corrects itself. The fiscal elevator stops at all the floors on the way up, and on the way down, as they are becoming painfully aware. Those on this year’s ever expanding bailout list must not employ economists. Hasn’t history taught us anything? Doesn’t any of these overpaid upper management (is that an oxymoron?) wastoids, or Congress for that matter, pay attention to it?
Or maybe what it all boils down to is the acceptance of the rampant mediocrity that has permeated every aspect of our society. But that's a blog for another day... or several.
In 1907, J.P. Morgan bailed out the U.S. government due to unregulated stock speculations. Who is going to bail out the government when they’re done doling out trillions to failing industries? Maybe Bill Gates and Warren Buffet can pool their resources in case of emergency. Oh, that’s right they only make sound investments in adeptly run corporations that turn a profit, and none of those names on the 2008 government bailout list qualify.
In an unprecedented appeal for government funds, five huge corporations have asked for, and received government fiscal dispensation. There have been only eight other requests between 1970, and 2001, with mixed results. And now the 3 largest American automobile manufacturers want to add their names to the ever growing list…again, for 2008. How soon we forget.
In May of 1970, the Penn Central Railroad needed a bailout of $3.2 billion dollars. President Nixon and the Federal Reserve supported the financial assistance. Congress said nay, and Penn Central filed for bankruptcy the following month, absolving Penn Central from its commercial paper obligations. How nice! On top of that, to counteract the aftershocks to the money market, the Fed provided the funds to commercial banks to meet the credit needs of its customers. Sound familiar? It just so happens that 5 other railroads were in the shitter as well, so they all got together to form ConRail. The government dumped $19.7 billion into the consortium. It took 11 years, but ConRail started to turn a profit. In 1987, the government sold ConRail for $3.1 billion. In addition, the Treasury received a $579 million dividend from the railway. Seventeen years it took for the government to get their money back. I’m glad I wasn’t hanging by my balls waiting for that ship to come in.
The government also bailed out Lockheed in 1971. That turned out really well for the good old U.S. of A. Not so for the Franklin National Bank bailout. We, -I say "we" because the government finances some of this stuff with taxpayer money- didn’t fair so well on that one, mostly to due corporate corruption and lack of legislation. If this piece was a game of “hide and seek” we’d be getting warm about now.
The NYC bailout in 1975, and the Chrysler bailout in 1980, netted the government some serious coin. In 1984, the Continental Illinois National Bank and Trust got a helping hand from Uncle Sam, but they picked their figurative nose before they took it. The FDIC took a $1.8 billion loss on that one; same for the Savings and Loan fiasco in 1989. John Q. Public got bit for $178.56 billion there. Do you sense a trend with these banking industry shitheads?
Believe or not, the government made money on the airline industry bailout. Profits were reportedly to be somewhere in the neighborhood of $141.7 million to $327 million. Big fucking neighborhood if you ask me. The government only did that well because Eastern Airlines, Pan Am, Braniff, National, and TWA to name a few, had the good graces to file for bankruptcy prior to 2001. The government had to step in to save the rest or we’d all be taking trains again. Or, we could start driving everywhere again, and make good use of our massive interstate highway system that is in such disrepair. But then, the ever profitable oil companies would start raising gas prices so the even more elite "one per centers" can keep garnering those huge dividends. Oh, we can’t repair the roads anyway, that would take tax dollars, and we’re too busy using them to bailout unregulated, mismanaged, greedy corporations that have spread themselves too thin.
So who heads the list of least likely to succeed for 2008? Lending institutions. These are the same guys the U.S. government has bet on in the past and lost. Of the-now here’s a big fucking number-$1,352,500,000,000.00 (yes, trillion) in government bailout monies so far, $1,327,500,000,000.00 went to Bear Stearns, Fannie Mae/Freddie Mac, A.I.G. and their credit default swaps bullshit, Troubled Asset Relief Program (Wall Street, and their credit default swaps bullshit), and Citigroup. The other measly $25 billion went to; yup you guessed it, the auto industry.
What’s ironic is that both General Motors, the biggest of the “getting smaller all the time 3,” and Citigroup, are on the Dow Jones. No wonder the damn average is behaving like a hummingbird with ADHD. Let’s remove these two slackers, replace them with profitable, stable companies, and see if things don’t mellow out a little. That’s what’s been done throughout the years.
The original Dow was comprised of only 11 companies; 9 railroads, a steamship firm, and Western Union. The last time the name of a railroad appeared on the Dow was 1927, the last year before the list of companies was expanded from 20 to 30. Since the expansion, companies have come and gone, some have lasted longer than others. Sear Roebuck & Company was added to the short list in January, 1924, and held its place until November, 1999. The huge retailer Woolworth came along in May of ’24, but was replaced by Wal-Mart in March of 1997. Woolworth not only was removed from the Dow, it went out of business altogether. How fast and far the mighty have fallen.
US Steel and Bethlehem Steel no longer share the distinction of making up the Dow Industrials along with Hudson Motors, Chrysler, and Studebaker. Studebaker hung around a little longer by merging with Nash, but they too have fallen by the wayside, and it's been quite awhile at that.
In The Godfather, Hyman Roth declared to Michael Corleone in 1959 that organized crime was bigger than US Steel. That’s nothing to brag about today. Some folks say that unions were the cause of US Steel’s woes, and that’s what’s ailing the automobile industry. That’s not entirely true. There was a need for unions for the coal miners and steel workers back in the 19th century. The premise was a good one; protect workers from greedy management in an unregulated industry. Things changed little over the years until unions became greedy, mismanaged, and unregulated. When union negotiations became versions of “Can You Top This” in the 1960’s, corporations didn’t count on worker life expectancies increasing exponentially. Now the auto industry is paying the price for their lack of foresight. Back when union deals were struck affecting individuals who are now living well into their 70’s, the average life expectancy was 62. That’s over ten more years of pensions and healthcare benefits.
So many things automakers didn’t count on; foreign competition, costs of doing business escalating, mismanagement, and the always popular, greed; the very same components that fueled the downfall of the steel industry in this country.
One thing that the rogue’s gallery of government titsuckers can count on is that the economy is cyclical. Every 14 years or so, it corrects itself. The fiscal elevator stops at all the floors on the way up, and on the way down, as they are becoming painfully aware. Those on this year’s ever expanding bailout list must not employ economists. Hasn’t history taught us anything? Doesn’t any of these overpaid upper management (is that an oxymoron?) wastoids, or Congress for that matter, pay attention to it?
Or maybe what it all boils down to is the acceptance of the rampant mediocrity that has permeated every aspect of our society. But that's a blog for another day... or several.
In 1907, J.P. Morgan bailed out the U.S. government due to unregulated stock speculations. Who is going to bail out the government when they’re done doling out trillions to failing industries? Maybe Bill Gates and Warren Buffet can pool their resources in case of emergency. Oh, that’s right they only make sound investments in adeptly run corporations that turn a profit, and none of those names on the 2008 government bailout list qualify.
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