The New Year in Review

Never ending streams of year end recaps are put forth by various media sources paying tribute to recent historical events that range from the sublime to the mundane. Some worthy of note which we should remember and savor, others will be quickly dismissed as mental offal. Often we care so little about our past and the effect if has on the direction we’re heading. America has become a culture which demands immediate gratification. We are not a society of waiters. Waiting means patience, a virtuous trait that has been on the wane for many years now. We cannot wait to see what potential outcomes might be. If we only slowed down and recalled historical events we can get a good idea of what the future has in store for us. With that being said, and keeping with the spirit of year end summaries, let’s take a prognosticatory look at the events of 2009.
In the world of sports, Texas will secede from the United States; rename it “Little America,” so the Dallas Cowboys can remain, in some form, America’s Team.
In March, the BCS will declare the New York Yankees World Series Champions.
Mormons consider certain forms of music to be against their faith. Under heavy religious pressure from the Church of Latter Day Saints, the Utah Jazz will change its name to the Utah Tabernacle Choir. Sales of new jerseys skyrocket.
In keeping with the spirit of rewarding mediocrity, all National Hockey League teams will qualify for the playoffs. At the conclusion of said playoffs, each team will be given replicas of the Stanley Cup Trophy. This way no one feels bad about themselves. Kids who Do Not make their schools honor roll receive free tickets to games by showing a copy of their report cards.
American football will universally be known as soccer, eliminating all the confusion.
Also in the NSL, formally known as the National Football League, a rule is passed declaring all uniform colors must be either earth tones or pastels so as not to create anymore fun than absolutely necessary. All unbridled joy is abolished.
A move to speed up Major League games is implemented. Pitchers will now be able to remove themselves from the game without the manager making the requisite trips to the mound. The pitcher who removes himself will also be allowed to summon his replacement.
Also, a coalition made up entirely of Caucasians, in a attempt to expand political correctness, petitions the Major Leagues to force Atlanta and Cleveland to change their names from Braves and Indians respectively, to “Native Americans.” Both team logos must now resemble Charles Eastman in a suit and tie. All tribes in America poke fun at the asshole white men.
In the National Basketball association, in an effort to increase scoring, a new 15 second clock is used, and 4 points will be awarded to anyone who makes a shot from beyond half court. Antoine Walker's career is rejuvenated.
At the high school level, any parent heard harassing coaches, referees, umpires or their own children; or professes to have any knowledge of a particular sport but clearly does not, shall be arrested.
At the recreational level, any parent or coach that does not take their charges out for ice cream after a game is also to be arrested. Behavior of adults improves dramatically.
On the political front, public outcry commences after Barack Obama does not completely change everything within the first 100 days in office. Impeachment proceedings begin after Congress resumes after the summer recess.
Sarah Palin, upset over Texas’ secession, orders the entire state to be moved off the coast of Alaska so she can keep on eye on it along with Russia for telltale signs of aggression. In her living will, she leaves her brain to science, all universities and medical research centers respectfully decline.
Marijuana is legalized. The tax rate on the drug is higher than that of alcoholic beverages and tobacco products. Farmers no longer need to receive government subsidies, taxpayer funded prisons see their populations dwindle, and organized crime activity reaches an all time low. The DEA budget is slashed by 80%. The government deficit is expected to be eradicated within 2 years. There is no longer a foreign trade imbalance. However, employee absenteeism is rampant.
2009 saw the Middle East’s potable fresh water supply dwindle to dangerously low levels. The U.S. comes to their aid offering to exchange barrels of fresh water for crude oil, driving the price per barrel to an all-time low of $12.00. However, gas prices never go below $1.00. Irate consumers demand an explanation. Oil companies and the American government unrepentantly cite “unadulterated greed” as the reason.
All Americans of legal driving age are issued handicapped parking stickers. Physicians universally agree that all Americans suffer some physical malady that hinders their ability to walk anywhere. This eliminates all the jealousies and sniping toward truly handicapped individuals.
The entertainment world has its share of surprises as well.
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, in their continuing attempt to rid the world of all ills, adopt the entire island country of Madagascar.
During a particular down spring movie season, MGM releases a film of Will Smith sitting on the toilet reading the Sunday New York Times. It grosses $11 million in its first weekend.
To make television news appear a little less grave, a Whoopee Cushion is installed in Katie Couric’s anchor chair. CBS’s ratings soar.
Lewis Black is named the head of CNN.
Alas, things that affect us directly remain dormant. Our cable and satellite television still won’t work in inclement weather. Telecommunications companies allude to “shitty technology and apathy” for continued poor reception. Monthly rates increase.
A new Iphone is introduced; it’s a combination microcomputer/GPS/Ipod/Wii/taser. All functions work perfectly. However, phone service is spotty at best. Cellular service providers acknowledge this “snag” but admit “we really don’t care.” Monthly rates increase.
But the top story for 2009; McDonald’s Corporation, due to the legalization of marijuana, is no longer able to staff franchises. They ask for and receive a substantial taxpayer funded government bailout. The government points to the absolute need for Americans to remain fat, lazy and in poor health. No one raises an eyebrow.
Have a Happy New Year.