Not So Deep in Thought

Since those with the power to hire and fire seem to find my skill set not worthy for the standard employment pool; I find myself with too much time on my hands to think about arbitrary shit. Often it’s the same stuff many lend their spare moments to quietly contemplate while formulating educated, or not, informed opinions. However, there are other topics of lesser import –or no import at all for that matter- that I mull over in my overactive cranial lobes. Today I’ve decided to share these thoughts on subject matter that ranges from the sublime to the absurd. Let’s start with the latter.

Fizzies were an extremely enjoyable part of my childhood. I loved everything about them. The noise they made when you plopped a couple in a glass of cold water. The fizz-foam that formed as the Alka-Seltzer like tablets reacted with the water. The metamorphosis was like my own at-home scientific experiment that could be purchased in the soft drink aisle of a grocery store; right there next to the Tang, another marvel of modern science; except Fizzies didn’t go into space with the astronauts. When the tablets had disappeared, my concoction was ready to drink! Though occasionally I gave into temptation and took a couple of small sips to gather in my mouth the last remnants of the flavorful disks that floated to the top of the glass. The sensation of sucking on this morsels was akin to eating Pop Rocks.

The process complete, I downed the tasty flavored water without coming up for air. There was probably enough sugar in those two tablets to send less hearty souls into a diabetic coma. Not I, I lived the majority of my younger days in search of the ultimate sugar rush, and Fizzies did its part in helping to achieve that goal. My sister and I once put an entire box of Fizzies in a full bathtub long before Animal House popularized mass use of Fizzies. The result was a fantastic volcanic eruption of root beer enhanced carbonated tub water. And then one day Fizzies vanished from the shelves of our local A&P. Probably due to some FDA study that linked Fizzies to brain cancer.
While cutting coupons one Sunday morning several weeks back, my eye caught an ad heralding the arrival of the new Kool-Aid version of Fizzies. I seized the moment to save a dollar off what I perceived to be an opportunity to relive a glorious moment of my youth. On my next shopping expedition I would yield to the yummy treats. Or so I thought.

The only flavor available was grape. I was partial to the lemon-lime and root beer varieties ages ago. But Frizzies were Fizzies for crying out loud. They could have been tofu flavored and I would have still bought them. Judging by the taste, they may very well have been, and the box was just mislabeled. They percolated the same as the old Fizzies, they turned the water a funky share of indigo like the old Fizzies, but they tasted like ass. You can imagine my disappointment.

So my question is this. Is the Kool-Aid version as bad as I’m making it out to be, or were the Fizzies of my childhood just as rancid but the memory of the taste sweeter? Just one thought I’ve been pondering. And another thing…

…did you know that shithead Glenn Beck makes $3.2 million dollars a year on the lecture circuit? What qualifications does he have to warrant such fees? He’s a goddamn disc jockey for Christ sake! Only after being granted special dispensation from Yale under their non-traditional student program did he even attempt to gain a higher education, and he dropped out of the one class he signed up for. Maybe he was too busy formulating uninformed opinions to share with the other uneducated masses he thinks are too stupid to think for themselves? No, I’m not jealous; I’m saddened by this state of affairs. That’s enough about that. If I go on I’ll get too incensed. But there is…

…Andy Rooney to get me inflamed as well. On this past Sunday’s airing of 60 Minutes he referred to himself as an “average American.” Correct me if I’m wrong, but I didn’t realize the average American makes a seven figure salary. I didn’t know that the average American appears for five minutes every week on the most watched television news program. I also didn’t know that the average American owns multiple residences. One of the reasons why Rooney felt he was an “average American” was his tour of duty in the U.S. Army. I didn’t know serving in the armed forces made you average when your life is anything but. Rooney cited several other examples to reinforce the “average” notion. I noticed he didn’t use “delusional” to be a trait of the average American.
Rooney used these examples as a prelude to his ignorance of today’s popular musicians. He claimed not to know who Usher is, or Lady Gaga. He suggested that generation who does know who they are should know who Ella Fitzgerald was. I recognize all three. My suggestion to Mr. Rooney is say things to bridge the generation gap instead of make it wider. I see it as his responsibility, particularly if you want younger generations to listen to what you have to say. Following 60 Minutes on CBS was The Amazing Race…

…which really pissed me off. It is very rare I watch a network television program. My wife got me interested in The Amazing Race. I find most “reality” television to be a big load of mindless shit. They were developed because the networks lacked the creativity to come up with anything original, and “reality” shows cost much less to produce; those cheap bastards.

This week was the season finale. The team that would win the $1 million first prize would be unveiled. A team that cheated won. Granted, one contestant came up with the idea to move their airline seats to first class, thereby giving them a distinct advantage when it came time to deplane. However, this team’s nearest rivals did not employ any chicanery when given the opportunity. Rather than push another member of the opposing team out of the way, this contestant waited patiently while the villainous party completed his task. What was glaringly apparent was this unethical behavior to get ahead that has permeated our society, even if it means fucking someone over. The rationale that was given was,”There’s a million dollars at stake,” as if this makes it acceptable. When it comes to money do whatever is necessary regardless. Don’t we have enough of that mentality without rewarding an example on national television? If that isn’t enough to frost me…

…the constant fear mongering on the evening news is. The other night it was reported that baby cribs with the side that slides down have been responsible for thirty two infant deaths in the last ten years. That means that babies are more likely to get struck by lightning or attacked by a shark than die due to the construction of these types of cribs. These are the very same ones you and I and our children have slept in all these years. Had we known what death traps they were we could have done something about it. What, is anybody’s guess. If the news hasn’t reported enough to petrify us…

…now we can make up shit to terrify us. Walgreen’s is going to sell over-the-counter DNA tests so we can see if there is a history of certain diseases and afflictions we may be predisposed to contract. The disclaimer is the results are not foolproof. There is a margin for error! What the testing center sends you is to be used as a guideline; like we don’t have enough hypochondriacs in this country. Now they can suffer from shit they might not even get. Are you kidding me?

The cost for this little adrenaline rush to judgment is twenty to thirty dollars. If you want a more in-depth analysis, it can cost in excess of two-hundred and fifty dollars. I’m going to go stand in line so I can be the first on my block to find out what I ‘m going to get proactive treatment for what I may die of. And people wonder why health care costs are going up. This is like a made up greeting card holiday concocted by pharmaceutical companies. Note: This product is not approved by the FDA, and we know what a splendid and timely track record they have. Almost as good as the EPA…
…which has its hands full with a multi-million dollar oil rig that was constructed without any idea of how to fix it if something goes wrong. But as an average American I’m preoccupied thinking about more trivial matters that keep my mind off the really important stuff.
I wonder if Fizzies and scotch is considered a cocktail?
Do you think the Brookings Institute is looking for someone to mull over any of the things previously mentioned? Obviously, I really need the work.