Entertain Me

I’m not a big TV guy. I loathe commercial television for the most part. Just when I get enthralled with a program invariably five minutes of ads that I don’t give a shit about will interrupt my former pleasant viewing experience. Thankfully I have satellite television. This affords me the opportunity to channel surf through hundreds of channels of mind-numbing drivel. Woo-hoo!

I’m a big music guy. No, I do not have an Ipod or similar device where I can listen to my favorite tunes non-stop totally oblivious to anything occurring in the universe. All the people I see with earbuds constantly hanging out of the sides of their heads remind me of people who clutch their omnipresent bottles of water as if at any moment global warming will instantaneously turn everywhere into a giant desert. The need for the constant drone of music in one’s head must somehow keep alien radio signals from entering the brain, hence warding off any chance of mental abduction. That said, I do however, have Sirius satellite radio.

The thought of enduring any more commercials than is absolutely necessary, fills me with a sense of trepidation that makes having my mind taken over by aliens seem almost welcoming. My son Cory got me Sirius several Christmas’ ago because I so missed Howard Stern. Little did I know how much I’d like the endless variety of music at my fingertips. I don’t listen to talk radio. I rarely listen to sports radio. I will listen to a sporting event of great interest if I can’t watch it on TV. I don’t tune in for the weather or traffic updates. If I lived in Oklahoma I might keep the weather station on twenty-four seven. That would then necessitate me getting an Ipod and earbuds because I love Rock and Roll so much. I’d just keep one eye peeled on the display for weather alerts.

I don’t listen to the stations that feature excerpts from various comics stand-up routines, though several people say I should because of how entertaining I’d find them. I find so few comics really that funny that I’d spend my time in the car listening to them rather than music. However, if I did listen to comics, I would then have to purchase an Ipod and earbuds so I could listen to the music I so enjoy.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not averse to owning an Ipod and earbuds, I just see the need. I park in handicapped spaces thereby limiting my walking anywhere. This is one of those times when I see Ipods being utilized; when people are walking somewhere. They also use them when they’re running. I don’t run anywhere. I see people use them when they're driving. Which is handy is if an ambulance is speeding toward them with the siren screaming and one of their kids being hauled to the hospital. I see people at the gym using them to…motivate? Pump up? Ignore those around you. Avoid conversing with anyone. Act snobbish with an excuse. Maybe it’s just a societal thing.

There are DVD players in cars so parents don’t have to talk to their kids and they won’t be interrupted when talking on their cellphones about nothing to people who aren’t as important as their children. We can watch TV and computers for those who don’t think fourteen hours of viewing isn’t nearly enough to expand their limited horizons. And you can fuck around with your laptop while watching TV with your Ipod and earbuds so you can listen to music without the annoying drone of worthless TV dialog. Unless you’re a movie buff like I am.

I am a movie buff by default. I hate seeing commercials so much that rather than endure any reference to investing money no one has; watching two assholes sitting in separate bathtubs on a deserted beach with their wife to ignite their amorous yearnings that they need to take a pill for; endless ads to entice folks which beer to drink; I watch movie channels.

Sometimes I watch movies. Other times I have them on for background noise, or if it’s a movie I like a particular scene, I’ll leave the movie on until the scene is over. Sometimes I watch for the dialog, that’s a rarity. Other times I watch because the cinematography is great. Sometimes I watch because I like a particular actor.

There are contract movies that go right from the can to video that have a really terrific cast; I’ll watch those movies. Afterward I’ll rue the two hours I wasted. I’ll watch movies because I like the trailers. These also sometimes make me want to disconnect every movie channel I have, and I have them all.

When I signed on with DirecTV, I wanted all the sports stations that were offered without buying seasonal sport packages. To get them all, you have to get them with what they’re bundled with. I wanted ESPNU, I’ve got to take The Movie Channel and Showtime. I wanted FSN, I had to take Starz, Cinemax, and HBO. The only movie channel I don’t have is MGM and who gives a fuck anyway. I refuse to pay for the one channel that happens to be running movies I don’t own on DVD and haven’t seen for awhile and wished I had, just on general principle.

There are movies I will watch anytime day or night when they happen to be running on any of the eight kabillion movie channels I pay handsomely for. Shawshank Redemption and Hoosiers are two that come to mind. There are other movies that used to fall into that category, but no longer pique my interest. Field of Dreams used to be one. Now I can take it or leave it. It is no longer a "must see." Mind you, I own all of these.

There are movies I want to see, but they’re never run, or the gap between showings is too long. Man on Fire with Denzel Washington, not the lame ass one with Scott Glenn, and Master and Commander are a couple. When they finally do come on, they’re run so often that if I even hear two notes from the soundtrack I want to puke. Someone once suggested I sign up for “ON DEMAND.” Sounds urgent and important doesn’t it? The only TV I find urgent and important is sporting events. And the day TV becomes so urgent and so important in my life, that I just can’t go on unless I see a particular movie RIGHT AWAY! is the day I know I’ve watched too much and it’s time for me to get an Ipod and earbuds.