Simple Pleasures for Simple Minds

The country is mired in economic doldrums the likes we’ve never seen according to all the Chicken Little’s in the media. Massive industry cutbacks and layoffs accompany the corporate begging for Washington’s dollars. The real estate market sucks and the stock market blows, or is it the other way around? It doesn’t really matter; both markets are in the toilet. The only things that are going up are the U.S. debt and unemployment. We’ve just elected our first bi-racial President, who has just inherited this huge pile of fiscal fecal matter. Enough! I say. Let’s broach a subject that is completely frivolous, chewing gum, specifically, bubble gum. More specific yet, Bubble Yum Sugarless Peppermint Bubble Gum. Insert angelic harmonies here.
You know how every once in awhile a product comes along that is infinitely better than anything else on the market. It knows no peer. The competition pales in comparison. Charmin Plus with Aloe toilet paper falls into this category. Never have I ever met anyone that declares that toilet paper is toilet paper. Sure, under duress, we’ve all used crude substitutions; either when camping, or on a desolate highway while on an alcohol fueled roadtrip. Anything will do in a pinch; no pun intended.
Many of our parents did not put a premium on TP. This was an area that one could be frugal when shopping. My mother was a Scott 1000 sheet roll woman, and she bought them in bulk. Who cared that it wasn’t eco-friendly; that you used twice the amount of the one-ply sandpaper facsimile. Hell, it was 10 for a $1.00 or some shit, again, no pun intended. Our generation obviously felt quite the contrary. We did not underestimate the importance of comfortable toilet tissue. You peruse the supermarket paper product aisle and you’ll find a wide array of bathroom tissue, many of the brands coming out in the last 25 years or so. Charmin alone has 5 or 6 different types for the truly discernable shopper. We were no longer relegated to the flimsy school TP, the grainy office TP, and the dreaded industrially abrasive brown Gas Station TP. We demanded more for our bungholes, and we got it by god! We spared no expense when it came to a more pleasurable bathroom experience. This new wave of toilet tissue became the cornerstone for this revolutionary step forward in premium potty time. Charmin Plus with Aloe is my personal fave, but not everyone concurs. Not so concerning Bubble Yum Sugarless Peppermint Bubble Gum. There’s those angels’ singing again.
Walter E Diemer, an accountant, should be nominated for sainthood as far as I’m concerned. In 1928, after his boss Gilbert Mustin gave up the ghost; Mr. Diemer picked up where Mr. Mustin left off in his quest for a suitable gum base. Neither man had any chemistry background. It was Mr. Mustin’s search for a better gum, and Mr. Diemer’s curiosity and never say die attitude, and a little dumb luck, that resulted in the invention of bubble gum. Chewing gum had been around for the better part of eight hundred years before someone attempted to not only make chewing gum satisfying, but fun as well.
Diemer claimed the bubbles were an accident. The men set out to make a gum that wouldn’t stick. But once the gum was found to be stable enough as to not fall apart, Mr. Diemer added the only food coloring available, pink, and came up with a batch of gum with greater elasticity than gums on the market at the time. When chewed, this new gum didn’t fall apart, and as an added bonus, stretched enough to produce bubbles. Those angels are becoming really annoying.
Walter happened to be an accountant for the Fleer Chewing Gum Company. They christened this new gum Dubble Bubble. Fleer sold $1.5 million dollars of the stuff in the first year alone. Walter eventually rose to the position of executive vice-president, but received no royalties for his ground-breaking invention. Soon, Bazooka and Topps vied with Fleer for bubble gum supremacy. It would be nearly fifty years after that first bubble was blown that the world would be introduced to Bubble Yum.
Bubble Yum was the brain child of the Lifesavers Candy Company. For nearly 5 years Bubble Yum was only available in the diabetic coma inducing sugar laden version. Sugarless bubble gum was for sissies. Sugarless versions were only offered by unheard of off-brands. No self-respecting bubble gum company thought a profitable market for the sugarless variety existed. However, as America became more health conscious, a large selection of low-calorie items dotted grocery store shelves. In 1980, Bubble Yum produced a gum that was easy on the waistline, and didn’t promote tooth decay.
Two years later, Hubba Bubba and Bubblicious joined in the fray of super bubble producing gums. In an effort to gain an additional share in the ever expanding market, Bubble Yum came out with a flavored adaptation of Sugarless Bubble Yum. Peppermint was their choice for this new venture. I’m eternally grateful.
A long time bubble gum chewer, I’d found my Holy Grail of gums. This product remained soft for extended periods of time unmatched by any gum I’d previously sampled. In addition, the minty flavor lasted long after lesser gums had lost taste appeal. Could this be the perfect gum? I never settled for anything less ever again.
I once sent a fellow employee on a mission to locate me a pack of the prized concoction. He was not to return without it. My cohorts must join me in this celebration of the mouth. Each and every person that tried Bubble Yum Sugarless Peppermint Bubble Gum from that day on agreed; it truly was the “best gum.” Excitedly, individuals I shared my bounty with, approached me over an hour later to tell me that the softness and flavor did indeed hold true. But as the years wore on, the gum of gums became more elusive.
In 1993, I moved to Florida. I was tickled to find that several merchants carried the gum that knew no equal. Alas, after the Hershey chocolate company acquired the Bubble Yum brand, the vendor numbers dwindled. I would often travel from store to store and buy what remained of the precious booty. I bought boxes at a time, often at per pack price. It didn’t matter. I got to enlist new waves of Bubble Yum Sugarless Peppermint Bubble Gum disciples with each pack I opened. Several months ago, my love affair with the “best gum” ever, came to an abrupt end.
My wife and I went from CVS to CVS, the last of the dying breed of appreciators of the finest gum I had ever encountered. After a near futile search of 5 stores unearthed only 3 packs, we inquired as to this tragedy. We were told Hershey was discontinuing the brand. Devastated, I returned home to see if the Internet could fill the impending void.
Several sites offered regular flavor Bubble Yum Sugarless Bubble Gum; a weak and inferior product that didn’t tickle my senses the way the peppermint variety did; my search continued. Eureka! Was it true? Did my eyes deceive me? After so many confectioner web site visits, 1, one, uno, solo, lone web site had a box of MY gum….at $3.00 per pack plus shipping. I had my limits. The gum did not provide any sexual pleasure, and I felt this should be included at that price. I was stymied, stonewalled, my Bubble Yum Sugarless Peppermint Bubble Gum days had come to an end. I was relegated to a barely passable replacement. But my fortunes were soon to change.
My friend Gregg, recently invited me a local theater production. As was the custom, I offered him gum. Gregg, who long ago had been introduced to the gum industries crown jewel, asked if it was the “good gum.” Downtrodden, I gave him the sad news. I no longer possessed, or had access to, any more good gum. Unbeknownst to me, he became a man on a mission.
Last night, I received a call. Gregg was on the other end. He informed me that he gotten me a Christmas present. We had ceased exchanging gifts several years ago. I was humbly taken aback. He told me I was now the owner of an entire box of fresh, Bubble Yum Sugarless Peppermint Bubble Gum! Hallelujahs and Hosannas reigned! I suspected that Gregg, he of more means than I, did not balk at the pricey outlet I came across on the Internet. I was surprised at his resourcefulness. Perhaps it was due to the fact that he was the father of two young girls and he couldn’t imagine them growing up without ever had the opportunity to sample the finest gum, bar none, ever made. Whatever the reason, I was thrilled, my exuberance was palpable. Like an unsuspecting reunion with a lost love, I am to be reunited. Fate and Gregg had brought us together again. I wonder if Barack Obama would like a piece. He sure could use some good something right now.