Funny Odd, Funny Ha-Ha, Sort of

When you hear that two nuclear submarines collide, it is perfectly understandable for the initial reaction to be one of shocked disbelief. The prospect of submarines armed with enough nuclear warheads to carry out 1,246 Hiroshima bombings is one of enormous gravity. The earth’s inhabitants should in unison breath a sigh of relief, thankful that a global catastrophe had been narrowly averted. As CNN led their Monday morning broadcast with this news, I was shocked. But not with wary trepidation, it was incredulousness that caused my stupor.
Not one, but two different naval commanders from different countries could simultaneously come down with a case of the stupids. Slack-jawed, I stared at the television screen, and listened to the anchorwomen, in a voice normally saved for assassinations of heads of state, the passing of a pope, and declarations of war; inform the viewers of this tragedy in the North Atlantic. How did she do that and keep a straight face? Sure, two nuclear submarines crashing into each other is serious. But once she got beyond that, didn’t it cross her mind, “How the hell did that happen?”
Let’s first take a look at the players in this bizarre performance of a David Lynch screenplay. The British sub HMS Vanguard was launched in 1992, and refitted in 2007 as part of a $7 billion contract. The sub is not due to be replaced until 2024, unless someone sails off the edge of the earth first. It stands to reason after spending that kind of cash, every available piece of new technology was installed aboard this pride of the British fleet. It’s safe to assume that it would include sonar and radar.
The same goes for the French vessel Le Triomphant, sonar and radar have just got to be onboard, don’t they? A closer look at the details of this incident reveals that one sub is British, and the other French. You may think that’s stating the obvious, but under the circumstances one can’t be too sure.
The military past of the French has been distinguished by the incredible amount of money spent yielding little positive results. Napoleon’s march into Russia didn’t turn out so hot. The French foray in Viet Nam was a disaster. And the French should be thankful the United States entered World War II, or German would be the spoken language. Granted, the French came to the aid of the colonies versus the Brits, and we know how that turned out. One good turn deserves another.
The British and the French faltered during the battle over the Suez, and it was up to the U.S. again to set things straight. Sure America has had it’s setbacks as well, but they aren’t driving their subs into other folks. As a matter of fact, in 1992, a surfacing Russian submarine struck the USS Baton Rouge in the Barents Sea. If any countries subs should be slamming into other countries it should be the U.S. They’ve got submarines patrolling most of the world’s major bodies of water.
Speaking of major bodies of water; 70.8% of the earth is covered by water, about 139,000,000 square miles. 20.8%, or 27,800,000 of that 139,000,000 is the Atlantic Ocean. This recent freak incident occurred in the North Atlantic. For the sake of argument, let’s say the North Atlantic covers 13,900,000 square miles of varying depths. Two submarines, on routine maneuvers, both running stealthily at the same time so as not to be picked up on sonar, run into each other in those nearly 14 million square miles at the same depth. Who woulda’ thunk? If Vegas only took bets on that happening!
The powers that be, which include British Admiral Sir Jonathon Band, the First Sea Lord, (swear to god) quickly allayed any fears as to whether a nuclear strike could be launched if the situation arose at this very moment; “We can confirm that the capability remained unaffected and there has been no compromise to nuclear safety.” Well, that’s good to know! We can rest easy knowing there was no nuclear accident, but we can still kill people on purpose if necessary. Whew! That’s certainly a load off. There are more astounding real life quotes from esteemed and learned individuals; all said with an air of utmost seriousness, I shit you not.
Stephen Saunders, a retired British Royal Navy commodore and the editor of the prestigious Jane’s Fighting Ships, said “This really shouldn’t have happened at all…I find it quite extraordinary.” How’s that for expert insight. Mr. Saunders doesn’t quit while he’s ahead. He further states “The modus operandi of most submarines, particularly ballistic-missile submarines, is to operate stealthily and to proceed undetected. This means operating passively, by not transmitting on sonar, and making as little noise as possible.” Well, it looks like both subs achieved their goal. These statements fall under the heading of “No shit, really?”
Complex, long-winded excuses, or explanations, depending on your personal sentiment, included that France being situated outside of NATO’s command structure, so it does not provide information on the location of its mobile nuclear arms. Why pray tell? Well, “France considers its nuclear arsenal the most vital element in its defense capabilities,” said Jerome Erulin, a spokesman for the French Navy. Remember, this is coming from the folks who felt the Maginot Line was their best defense against the Germans.
Consider this nugget; it took six years to draw up the U.K.-French Bilateral Defense Cooperation Agreement, which called for regular exchanges on nuclear policy between navies. And we think the U.S. government gets bogged down in bureaucratic red tape. After this recent incident, Hans Kristensen, who monitors NATO’s weapons for the Federation of American Scientists stated “The fact that the collision occurred at all indicates that the two allies need to talk more.” Chalk another one up for the “no shit” column. I haven’t seen a picture of Mr. Kristensen, but the image of the scientist on The Simpsons comes to mind. Mr. Kristensen is not alone on “the big brain squad.”
Liberal Democrat defense spokesman Nick Harvey, said “While the British nuclear fleet has a good safety record…the people of Britain, France and the rest of the world need to be reassured this can never happen again.” I wouldn’t hold my breath. The HMS Trafalger in November of 2002 ran aground off the coast of Scotland. The British sub HMS Tireless, in 2003, crashed into “possibly an iceberg” while on patrol in the Artic. In May 2003 Pippa Dunlop, a reporter for the Telegraph News referred to this accident involving the Tireless, as “the latest in a series of mishaps to befall the British fleet.” This very same sub witnessed an onboard explosion that killed two sailors in March 2007. Mr. Harvey, I don’t think “good” is good enough when you’re talking about vessels that are nuclear powered and are armed with nuclear weapons.
Lastly, did you know that if this collision had been worse according to nuclear physicist Frank Barnaby, there could have been dire consequences? Really? Where do you want to start? He stated that “if the warheads were exposed to the sea, plutonium and highly-enriched Uranium could go into the water and be absorbed by marine life.” Sorry Frank, that’s doesn’t rank high on the import list with the earth blowing up and all.
The British Ministry of Defense issued this statement “because of the secret nature of these weapons. I think a degree of secrecy is necessary but the Ministry of Defense is, by nature, very secretive.” Huh?
Not one of these cerebral giants ever mentioned the word “radar.” I don’t give a rat’s ass about sonar. The last time ocean liners ran into each other was 1956, when the Andrea Doria was struck in dense fog by the Stockholm. Radar didn’t exist yet. For Christ’s sake, couldn’t somebody see a 500 foot long, 3 stories high, 16,000 ton blip on a screen? Let’s also keep in mind that 79% of France’s electricity is generated by nuclear energy. I sure hope none of the guys that run their utilities command a sub in their Navy. If so, Jon Stewart, SNL and the Harvard Lampoon are going to have a field day. I certainly hope the media keeps this story in the news. There so much more to make fun of than tired, old, boring, steroids.