Can You Hear Me Now?

In Bowling for Columbine, Michael Moore asked the question, “Do we have locks on our doors to keep the world out, or us locked in?” If what is broadcast on the evening news is any indication, I’d say it’s the latter as opposed to the former. With all the gloom and doom, as it’s spoon fed to us at the end of a long day, it’s no wonder we venture out of the house at all. We are constantly reminded of all the bad things we are forever putting into our ever expanding temples we laughingly call bodies. Too much sun is bad, not enough sun is bad. During any given week we are told lean red meat is healthy for us, no wait, this week it isn’t. Every-goddamn thing causes cancer. I’m amazed the average life expectancy continues to go up for both men and women with all of these horrible things we consume, do, inhale, and expose ourselves to.
We’ve been told drinking alcohol is bad for us. It is if you drink like I used to. But we’ve also been told that an occasional drink prevents clots by thinning the blood. Hold on, each drink destroys a kabillion brain cells, although a recent 60 Minutes expose reported that the drug resveratrol stored in the grapes used to make certain red wines, can delay the aging process. If all this is true, I’ll eventually become a youthful, dim witted alcoholic, who doesn’t understand why I don’t stop bleeding when I cut myself. But blissfully, I won’t care. Even our technology harms us in some way, shape or form.
Watching too much television is bad for us. It makes us fat. It turns us into tapioca pudding brained vege heads. It skews our perception of the real world. You can’t blame anybody for bringing this to our attention. Have you seen the crap that’s aired on the two-hundred and whatever channels we have access to? And for christ’s sake, don’t sit so close to your sixty inch screens or you’ll go blind!
Don’t stand in front of the microwave if you’re pregnant, or if you want to get pregnant. Make sure you don’t live too close to power lines. Man, if your property was adjacent to high tension wires, and you were warming a bottle of formula, both you and your kid would probably internally combust. Can you imagine if you were talking on your cellphone at the same time? The results are too terrifying to fathom.
We’ve been warned about these miniature creations of the devil. They cause cancer if we talk too much. They can cause our cars to explode if we’re on them while we’re filling our gas tanks. And now a recent British public service announcement is garnering quite a bit of attention because-brace yourselves- texting while driving is dangerous!!!!! Holy shit, I’m sure glad someone told me. I was under the impression that not looking at the road while my hands were off the wheel was perfectly safe as long as I let my vehicle be driven by “The Force.” Are you fucking kidding me? No one knows this is a bad idea?
The PSA depicts a car smaller than my coffee maker loaded with four teenage young ladies, engaged in witless conversation, while the driver sends a text message regarding whether or not a particular young man “fancies” one of young ladies present. All four pairs of eyes are transfixed to the tiny cellphone screen, waiting in breathless anticipation, the incoming response. Not once does it dawn on any of the twits that they are indeed traveling in a motor vehicle. No one picks their head up just for shits and giggles to see if the car’s auto-pilot is still functioning properly. The vehicle, unaware that it is now responsible for navigating the roadway without the assistance of a human, though four are present, drifts into oncoming traffic. After what seems to be a text exchange resembling the Camp David Accords, they simultaneously realize they are fucked with a capital F. A head-on collision occurs, closely followed by a t-bone, because that douche who seemed to be following at a safe distance must have been texting as well. The full length version of the PSA can be seen in its four minute and seventeen second entirety on-line with full gory details and EMT response. For those of you with the “train-wreck” mentality many of us possess, you can view it after you’re done reading this.
None of what I just mentioned should come as any surprise to any of you. Talking on a cellphone while driving has hit epidemic proportions. The “walk and chew gum” concept has weaseled its way into the realm of operating an automobile. Inevitably, while I sit behind the wheel seething, mumbling to myself “Bet that putz is on the phone,” some insipid vehicular challenged pinhead obliviously meanders at fifteen miles per hour less than the posted speed limit unaware that other human life exists besides themselves. And while we’re at it, “GET OUT OF THE FUCKING FAST LANE!!” Texting while driving must be worse.
The automobile insurance industry must be going ape shit right about now. For years drunk driving has been the number one cause of automobile accidents. We got tougher laws and stiffer penalties for those who transgress. We got M.A.D.D. We even have Kathleen Rice, district attorney of Nassau County, New York, who thinks DUI manslaughter should be prosecuted as murder, and she’s done just that in fourteen cases. Now we have cellphone usage as the number one cause of traffic accidents. The DUI manslaughter case of former New York Yankee Jim Leyritz, has the cellphone records which indicate that the victim was on the cellphone at the time of the accident. As an added bonus, she had been drinking as well. So if you’re driving drunk while on the cellphone, the likelihood of lightning striking is pretty high.
Please don’t get me wrong. I am not emitting some sort of aura moral superiority. Nor am I saying we’ve gone overboard in our policing of the issue. Everyone can continue putting others at risk having banal exchanges -“What are you doing?” “Nothing, what are you doing”- can be oral or written.
The point here is cellphones are a concern yes, but there is a need for a Scared Straight type of video that addresses the hazards of texting while driving? (Truthfully, I’m surprised some women’s organization hasn’t filed suit yet on behalf of those four young ladies, citing chauvinism, and gender discrimination.) Isn’t that kind of like the priest telling you you’ll go to hell if you don’t change your behavior? Yet, some folks still continue on their merry way without fear of retribution. Not everybody thinks the rules pertain to them, so they abide by their own. Hence, the resulting societal ill which plagues us, acute self-absorption.
Look, teens are, and have always been, fearless. There is a tendency to feel you’re invincible. The “Oh, that’ll never happen to me” sort of attitude wears off after awhile. However, stupidity does not. Scare tactics don’t always achieve the desired results, visual hyperbole might not either. You’ve got to think that a least one in four people is bright enough to realize that it might not be such a brilliant idea to text while driving down the highway. Let’s give the next generation a little more credit than the PSA does. People will continue to text while driving, just like they continue to drink and do drugs regardless of the consequences. Insurance rates will climb. New laws and restrictions will be passed. Grass roots “anti” movements will form. When is everybody going to realize that everyday life has risks? Just be alert to them. It isn’t necessary to beat us over the head. We might not pay any attention anyway.
Will the PSA serve as a deterrent? I don’t know. When I was younger I did anything and everything with the expected results and it didn’t stop me. Maybe I’m not the best judge. I think you should ask someone else. I leave my front door unlocked.